Exhibitionism vs. Exhibitionistic Disorder-- Which am I?

According to "The Merck Manual For Health Care Professionals" (2010-2013), "For some people, exhibitionism is expressed as a strong desire to have other people watch their sexual acts. What appeals to such people is not the act of surprising an audience but rather of being seen by a consenting audience. People with this form of exhibitionism may make pornographic films or become adult entertainers. They are rarely troubled by this desire and thus may not have a psychiatric disorder." (Exhibitionism). I found this ironic. I enjoy exhibitionism. I have been an exhibitionist before I knew what exhbitionism was or that it originally was considered a paraphiliac disorder. However, I do not become aroused by the idea of kids watching me, or the elderly watching me. I also prefer to have the shock value, that is one of the most enticing parts of being an exhibitionist. I love shock value. In fact the idea of having a consenting audience is less than a turn on. I cannot feel I have reached my desired level of dopamin if I ask people if they would consent to me exposing myself. I prefer them to be shocked. I have though definitely falling into this category by the fact that I am an adult entertainer who makes videos of my exhibitionist activities. But even though I make them and sell to consenting adults, I would not be happy with the product I produced if it were all staged for the video. I prefer real. oddly enough though, exhibitionism is a form of foreplay for me. I am more excited to become nude or masturbate in a public setting than I am to have sex in that public setting because I need the arousal from performing an exhibitionistic act in order to enjoy public sex. I cannot just have sex in public to reach my desired goal. However I can as long as I have spent significant time using it as foreplay first. However I am not at all troubled by my desire for public exposure, and I have complete control over it. The "Hypersexual Disorders" (2013) website explains that the DSM 5 has changed the criteria for exhibitionism to be considered a disorder. " exhibitionist must either experience harm from his or her behavior or inflict harm in some way on others." Well I do not cause harm to others, and I consider the audience before making the choices to expose myself. For example I do not chose children, I do not choose religious areas (mainly because as I have seen only from personal experience, that those who are religious are often unable to keep themselves emotionally stable without believing in some higher deity that supposedly holds their life wrapped in bubble wrap for protection against a cruel and unforgiving world. I find these people to be weak willed and therefore choose not to expose myself. For all I know it could be traumatic to these people.) I often choose areas in which people would be more likely to expect such behavior. Occasionally I go to places that do not expect it, but do not stay long, and I watch the reactions of others. Those who seem in distress is a personal signal of mine in which I would stop and choose to move elsewhere. I stay if they seem shocked, but inappropriately curious. I also find it fun to have the guys with their girlfriends staring while the girlfriend gets mad. I enjoy this fact a lot because I find most women to be delusional in their requirements of love and commitment. The DSM 5 has changed the requirements for exhibitionistic disorder to having experienced distress, or harm to oneself or others. In addition the symptoms such as difficulty controlling urges must be persistant for a minimum of half a year in order for a person affected to be diagnosed. In other words not all exhibitionists have a psychiatric disorder. So there it is. Exhibitionism vs. Exhibitionistic Disorder. I am an exhibitionist, without the requirements to be considered for a diagnosis. The Merck Manual for Health Care Professionals. (2010-2013). Retrieved from http://www.merckmanuals.com/professional/psychiatric_disorders/sexuality_and_sexual_disorders/paraphilias.html?qt=voyeur%20&alt=sh#v1029968 Hypersexual Disorders. (2013). Retrieved from http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorders/dsm-5-understanding-exhibitionistic-disorder/

Things keep changing

Last week I was supposed to do finger printing for my job. Well I did everything I was supposed to do to make it happen, however my job screwed up. They have a policy that staff must be finger printed within a certain amount of days of higher. Well my appointment just happen to land on the cut off date. I went to my appointment but was told the wrong location, and was not given the correct documentation to do the finger printing. So I have been taken off the schedule until my appointment, which happens to be mid December. That’s quite a bit of time off work. Well I was really thinking that my boss was just going to let me go and find a new staff member. So I get a call from my boss today, and I am thinking this is the dreaded call saying they are not planning on keeping me. Well.. To my surprise it went the exact opposite. Apparently one of the clients I work with has been having some behavioral issues, and they are in need of a staff member that won’t surcome to bullying, and has experience working with people who struggle with physical boundaries. So my boss asked other staff members, and the client, whom they would suggest. The client asked for me specifically because I apparently have built a good standing repor with her. So… instead of being fired, I am being offered a full time position rather than part time, in which I would be working closely with this client. HEAVY… They must see something in me if they are making such drastic changes so soon after changing my schedule last time. I had been put on graveyard, now I would be going back to days. Looks like its time to find a babysitter! It also looks like less time to make videos, but I will be doing my best to keep up with that, I know I haven’t been able to be consistent with that being that I am already extremely busy, but I really enjoy this side job it makes me happy. Yay me for major changes! At this rate I will definitely be able to pay out of pocket for my new boobs, and maybe even some stretchmark treatment!

Love is not sex, Sex is not love.

I see many relationships putting too much attention on the possibility of sex being outside of the relationship and not enough on the inside of the relationship. People ask me that if sex is not kept special between me and my partner what do we have that is special? My response is that if all you have that is special in your relationship is sex, then you have a problem in your relationship. There is so much more to a healthy relationship. My partner can gently run his fingers across my skin in a way that makes me feel at peace. Another guy could do this same thing, but it would not feel the same and it would not have the same effect, not to mention that to me crosses the line. This is just an example. But to continue, my partner and I can see something as we drive down the road and we both can start laughing, yelling, or basically have the same reaction and we do not even need to mention what we are talking about because the other one just knows. We click on levels completely above the range of sex that sex is able to be more of an open minded time for exploration. My partner knows exactly how to make my coffee, I do not need to tell him. If my coffee ingredients are not in the correct containers this bugs me. I do not have to tell my partner this. Other people do not get these little details. This is love. This is more than just sex. These are the things that are special because they are untouchable. No one can be penetrate that special. Sex on the other hand is an area where change and experimentation should be encouraged, and what most people do not realize is that this is not a time in which people are supposed to let go of their insecurities with just one person, because most often people are not on the same level like they like to believe. One person might want to try a certain sexual engagement, something that excites them, while their partner does not have any interest, or worse has negative feelings toward it. Well yes there is compromise, do not make the other person do something they are not comfortable with, but at the same time it is not right to expect the person who has the interest to just ignore the interest or accept without frustration that they will either never get to try it, or are not allowed to do it. It is things like this that causes people to stray away sexually. It is normal for people to want to try things out, and when they are told they cannot do it ESPECIALLY when it is not illegal and many others are doing it, they feel even more so that they are missing out on something great, and resentment builds up. Its a bad circle. For me, my partner knows my limitations and my boundaries and visa versa. If I have a desire to try something new or something he is not interested in I am able to find someone with the same interest, just as he is, and neither of us have jealousy or judgment on it. We have our rules yes, but we believe whole heartedly that if sex was going to cause a problem in our relationship, it is because other parts of our relationship are not being kept healthy.

Puberty hits early

According to "Web Md" (2005-2013), "Boys are entering puberty at an average age of 10 among whites and Hispanics, and at an average age of 9 among African-Americans. About a third of boys start to mature sexually up to two years earlier than average." In addition the site explains that girls are starting puberty an average of a year early. Well this is just a mess! Boys are at an advantage in that they grow taller with muscle definition sooner making them more physically capable of keeping themselves physically safe. However, psychologically both boys and girls are not ready for this physical/sexual change that is going on with them. The sooner they start developing within puberty the harder it is for them to understand the physical and hormonal changes that happening. What’s worse? Let’s think about something parents do not want to think about… hebephiles (pedophiles whom are interested in adolescent children rather than prepubescent children.) For people whom have a paraphilia for people under the age of 18 (the American indication of adulthood), this makes a mess for parents. This brings about the risk of more hebephiles to direct their desires toward their children, because they have reached the pubescent change at a younger age. Now these poor children are at risk for being sexually targeted because of their body figure, but psychologically these children are still much too young to be sexually active. Yes parents still have to worry about the pedophiles not just hebephiles, but the reason hebephiles are a mess of a problem is because it is easier for these people to state that they are unaware that these children are not over the age of 18 because physically their bodies have changed sooner than they did a decade ago. To prove without a shadow of a doubt that these people do not actually know the children’s age is much harder to do in court. Do not let these young children’s body changes fool you, they are psychologically still very much young children. Web MD. (2005-2013). Retrieved from http://children.webmd.com/news/20121020/earlier-puberty-age-9-10-average-us-boy

A reason or two, why I can’t identify with the female gender group

A reason or two, why I can’t identify with the female gender group I have found myself to struggle in relationships with other females because of my lack of identification to the group. Most women complain that I do things that are wrong, such as not care if my partner is out with other girls at the bar flirting, (just an example). I say why not? What is the harm? They respond with catty beliefs that my partner will sleep with the other girls, or that it is disrespectful and unloving for him to spend time with other females. But my retort always ends up being: He’s not going to sleep with another girl, and so what if he did? He would use protection, and he would choose a classy girl who has high enough standards not to sleep around with strange, or married men; which just so happens to bring me back to the fact that he won’t be sleeping around. If he did, why is that supposed to affect me? It’s sex. Not love. I am still the one that is special in his heart. I am the one that is in a relationship with him, and sex with some other girl is not going to change that. In addition how is flirting with other girls at all disrespectful to me? It has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with natural instinct. I would be delusional if I believed he is supposed to here on out only find me attractive and only desire me ever again. I would be delusional to think that not allowing him to be what he naturally is, is going to make our relationship stronger. No smothering him and denying him from who he is, is what pushes him away. When women attribute actions of men flirting or having intercourse with other women as a direct effect of disrespect to one’s partner, or a lack of love then we are using misattribution, because these actions have nothing to do with a lack of respect or love. I am going off on a bunny trail rant. Basically I have tried explaining my reasons for why I am different than other women, and explain why their issues are not the same as mine and how to better the lives or relationships between women, I come up short because it is an unaccepted belief. It is unaccepted by other women. I find it disappointing and exhausting to have to listen to the fact that men have to hide things from their wives and visa versa because they cannot be their true selves in fear that they each are some how committing sins. I do not have problems with my partner. He has the option to sleep around. Does he take it? No. How can I trust this? Because I trust and know him well. He has proven to be trust worthy, and I make a point not to take his actions too personal when their more baser instincts are the clear cause of something he does. It’s like telling a straight man it is wrong to be straight, or to tell a kid not to get excited. Its ludicrous, because it is telling a person they cannot do what comes naturally to them. It is some how a sin to be normal. Also for those of you who say “if you don’t keep sex just in the relationship then what do you have that is special?” if all you have in your relationship that is “Special” is sex, then you do not have a relationship. You have a big problem.